The Top 10 Stupid Phrases that are NOT "Silver Bullets" when Speaking to Customer Service (Despite Popular Belief)

            I work, unfortunately, in a customer service capacity where every day is packed full of angry, childish, illogical lunatics who demand the impossible and get even more angry when
they are faced with the logic of the situation and discover how big of a moron they are
being.  Whomever was responsible for the phrase, "The customer is always right," should have
been killed long before they ever uttered those destructive words.  Now, people are under the
false ideal that because they are a customer, all they have to do is demand something be done
and we are supposed to do it for them, unfortunately for them, and specifically true in the
department that I work, the customer is DEAD WRONG and is so the large majority of the time.
            With this in mind, there seems to be a common underlying thought process these people have which seems to support that if they say a specific phrase or demand, suddenly we, as
customer service, will suddenly change what policy we have been following and give them
exactly what they want, no matter what.  It's as if they think there is a secret phrase which
will allow special access to our "hidden menu" of service options.  Unfortunately for them,
all they end up doing is making themselves sound like even bigger idiots.  Here's the list of
assumed proverbial "silver bullets" these people try to use:

1. "I am a loyal customer, I own tons of your products!"
    -Well, whether you own 1 product or 1 million, it doesn't change the fact that the
product you are calling about has not had a warranty for over a year.  There is no special or
secret menu of options for someone who is dumb enough to buy from the same manufacturer
repeatedly even after having a string of bad luck with the products.

2.  "If I don't get what I want, I am going to return this product!"
    -Good for you! The only problem is, the store you bought this thing from has a limited
return or refund policy, which is usually only about 14 days.  Now that you are outside of
that time frame, let's just say you're screwed when it comes to trying to return it.

3.  "You know what I'm going to do?! I'm going to tell all my friends on Facebook and through my blog and everyone in my community NOT to buy your products! And they'll listen!!"
    -Yup, this one stings pretty bad. (Too bad the sarcasm can't be properly represented
through text) Whoopty-do, you are going to go rave to everyone you know that we aren't going
to repair your product because you damaged it in a way that the warranty won't cover.  Why
don't you actually put it that way when you go batty on your Twitter, Facebook, or Blog
account and see how many people actually take you seriously.  Furthermore, do you honestly
think that your handful of lemmings will affect the gross profit of a MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR, GLOBAL company?  It's cute that you think of yourself as that important, though with you justifying that people will allegedly listen, I have a feeling you really don't believe that
yourself.

4. "Let me talk to your supervisor!!"
  -Guess what? Whether you want to believe it or not, the decision or explanation the
service representative is giving you is according to COMPANY POLICY OR PROCEDURE!  This isn't someone personally spiting you because you are acting like a raging lunatic (though it
doesn't help your argument at all).  As such, do you honestly think that a CORPORATE policy
is going to be trumped by this rep's supervisor?  Also, do you really think that if you
threaten to speak to their supervisor that the rep will change their mind like they have been
holding out on you until you got belligerent enough to demand their supervisor?  That's like
a someone trying to get another kid to smoke and when they say, "I don't smoke, my parents
told me not to," and the provoker saying, "Well let me talk to your parents then!"  I'm
pretty sure you're not going to get anywhere fast with that approach.  Luckily, where I work,
the supervisor's don't take calls, which customers constantly claim they refuse to believe,
which is a good segue into #5...

5. "I don't believe that!" or "That's unacceptable!"
  -I love this one.  For some reason people use this phrase like they do #4 or really any of the phrases listed or to be listed; like if they say it the customer service rep will suddenly chuckle and say, "Nah, I was just joking! It was a test! Let me get your electronic device replaced because you were dumb enough to drop it in your pool and the warranty doesn't cover that!"  Unfortunately, if you don't believe it or don't like it, it doesn't change the fact that what you've been told is true.  These reps have no reason to, and get nothing out
of lying to you, well, except more time on the phone as you rant and rave like an angry
gorilla.

6. "I want to talk to someone else!"
  -This one is very similar to #5, just because one person told you something you don't want
to hear doesn't make it any less true, or that another rep in the same department isn't going
to tell you THE EXACT SAME THING!!!  Every rep works for the same company, all following the same company rules and policies.  Customer service representatives aren't just hired off the street, sit down in front of a computer and phone and told, "Well, just make it up as you go!"  Even more damning to the customer's argument, just about every Customer Service
department out there records notes on a case or some sort of report that can be traced in
that department.  Does this customer think that they can call in and get a different answer
from someone else in the same department when they can simply look up the customer's
information and see that they have already been told "no?" Keep trying Mr. Customer, and know

 that everyone in Customer Service is laughing at you every time you call in trying to get a
different answer to the same question/demand.  We call you a "Serial Caller," and you are a
new inside joke to that service department.

7. "I'll never buy your products EVER AGAIN!"
  -Closely connected with #3, do you honestly think that this will reduce the representative
whom you are talking to into a blubbering puddle of humble pleading and begging you to
continue to be a customer?  Think of the comparison again as outlined in #3, but on an even
grander scale now that instead of a handful of people, it's just one person not buying one
product from a GLOBAL, MULTI-BILLION dollar company.  To illustrate, the effect of that would be about as significant as someone taking a grain of sand off of a beach and thinking it will cause a hole that extends to the other end of the globe. Go ahead, don't buy another one of
the products, that is actually good, then Customer Service won't ever have to talk to you
again. :D

8. "I'm not getting any satisfaction!" or "I'm not satisfied!"
  -Hey, here's a question for you: "Where in the title of the department does it say that
this is the 'Customer Satisfaction' division?"  Oh right, NOWHERE!  Just like all the other
phrases, just because you are not satisfied doesn't mean that what is being offered or done
is not the utmost that the company can do.  Again, the rep isn't going to chuckle, say they
were kidding, and offer you the "real" options that are available to you.  Satisfied or not,
if you have to send your practically new product in for a repair, that's what has to be done.
Whether you think it's fair or not that you can't get a free repair because your product
warranty expired just a month ago, it doesn't change the fact that there's no warranty
covering your product.  Again, this is not a bunch of hobos off the street just free-styling
on every call, it is trained representatives making decisions as per the COMPANY'S POLICY!
This isn't the "Customer Satisfaction Department," deal with it.

9.  *Any sob story or hard-time tale they can think of/make up or pull the "position card"*
  -Okay, so this one isn't a phrase as it is more a lot of phrases and a LOT of wasted time
on phone calls.  People think that if they tell their life story of hardship, family death,
sickness, bankruptcy, and anything else that they can think up is going to be the difference
between getting what they want and getting what the company can do.  So you got cancer, ran
over your own dog, lost your left nostril, and got married to your mother when drunk in Vegas
holds absolutely no claim on whether the repair on your product will take 1 day or 1 month.
Sure, you sound like a PERFECT Dr. Phil special or story for Make A Wish, but it has no
effect on your product warranty coverage terms.  In connection with sob stories, people try
to pull what I call "the position card."  These people are the ones who indirectly demand
through what they say that they should get what they want because of who they are, or
specifically what profession they hold.  Here are the top offenders:
  I-Doctors
  II-Lawyers
  III-Self-Employed Persons
  IV-Soldiers

            Doctors and lawyers: Who cares that you make butt-loads of money saving people's lives or twisting the law to benefit your client into escaping charges, whether guilty or not.  So you
make a billion dollars a second, guess what, you aren't any more important than Joe Schmoe
who makes ten grand a year as a Zamboni driver for the Special Olympics.  The warranty is the
same for both of your products, and trying to put yourself on a pedestal above everyone else
just because of your profession does nothing more than make you look like an even bigger
jerk.
            Self-Employed persons: You are part of an elect few who were brave and fortuitous enough to
venture out into the unknown and use your own funds and assets to begin a business.
Especially in a struggling economy, this is a very big gamble and you are commended for that.
HOWEVER, trying to say that your computer, phone, or whatever product is the one and only
thing that keeps your business running and the income flowing does a couple of
things...Nothing in regards to speeding any repair on your product and makes you look like a
moron.  If you are smart, capable, brave enough to start a business on your own, and this
business is the sole way you survive, wouldn't you have some contingency plans?  Products
aren't perfect and if you place your entire existence and income on ONE piece of imperfect
equipment, you are simply ASKING for trouble.  You were really dumb enough to keep all your
records and business in only ONE PLACE?  You don't keep multiple records, both electronic and paper and do everything possible to make sure you cover your butt a million times over?  I'm
inexperienced when it comes to the world of entrepreneurship, however wouldn't it make sense
to try to account for every possible scenario and prepare for it if you are putting your
"bread and butter" on the roulette table that is this economy? Sure, you can't plan for
everything, but just about anyone could tell you that resting everything you have or could
have in the hands, or circuitry of ONE SINGLE thing is just stupid.  If you really ARE taking
such a huge and irresponsible risk, maybe you aren't cut out for running a business.
            Soldiers:  This is the one that gets me most of all. NONE of what I am about to say is
meant to demean anyone who serves or has served in the armed forces in any way.  To be
honest, I envy them as being a soldier has been a very, very personal dream of mine.  There
is a sense of pride that a soldier is supposed to be entitled to, knowing that their voluntary, or even their drafted service did something, either small or big, to support the safety and freedoms of this country.  I hold a deep gratitude for soldiers and their service, especially those soldiers of whom I am personally acquainted.  Due to my engrained respect and admiration for these men and women, frustration and disappointment come at a more painful impact here.  Shame on you soldiers who act like because of the service you have provided, you are entitled to tell anyone, especially Customer Service reps, what to do?  Even more so, SHAME ON YOU for trying to make it sound like because you aren't getting what you want, that representative is disregarding and disrespecting the service you have provided or are providing to this country!  Whether you took a million bullets and pieces of shrapnel in the line of duty protecting the U.S. or were a floor scrubber for the barracks, you are no different than the next person when it comes to the coverage of a warranty or the policies of a company.  Sure, you can get discounts at Denny's or practically anywhere, but when it comes to the hard, simple coverage or policies of a company, you have no special privileges.  This is nothing against you or your service, it is just the way it is, and STOP MAKING IT SOMETHING THAT IT IS NOT.  If there is ever a time that I do not respect a soldier, past or present, of the United States Armed Forces, it is when they try to use their profession as a bargaining chip to make themselves "more special" than anyone else.  What you do in your job may have much more impact on this world or this nation than the janitor down the street, but that DOES NOT make you any more important than them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE STUPID PHRASE OF ALL TIMES.....

10. "I'M GOING TO SUE!" or "I'M CALLING MY LAWYER!!"
            -As it can be deduced, where I work, I primarily deal with people who are mad that they
aren't getting what they want.  So, with that in mind, how is it that these people think that
they have a valid legal case with that type of approach?  They are worse off than all the fat
people trying to sue fast food joints for "making them fat."  (No one put the food in your
mouth morons!)  Now, practically all of the time these people make this threat in the heat of
the moment, thinking that customer service will just change their mind and cower in fear at
the threat of a lawsuit, but let's break it down for these people....First of all, what do
you think your lawyer is going to say when you call them up and say that you want to sue a
global company merely on the basis that they are not providing what you want because their
warranty doesn't cover it?  I'll put it in perspective:  What would your lawyer say if you
called them up and you tried to say that you were going to sue the city, state, or nation
because the police were going to arrest you because you were caught breaking the law?  If
your lawyer is gracious enough, they will laugh themselves into hysterics after they have
kindly ended the phone call with you after telling you they couldn't help you.  Also, here is
another consideration:  Consider what has been mentioned in some degree previously... If your
lawyer was dumb enough to try to make a case out of something that stupid, it would be you
and him against an infinitely large company with the funds and means necessary to squash you into oblivion.  In fact, this HUGE company probably has an entire building full of corporate lawyers sitting around brainstorming ways they can destroy you in a legal case and make it as painful as possible to you.  With that in mind, customer service reps would BEG you to even try to do something that foolhardy knowing that you are an ant pitted against a nuke. You've got no chance.

            So, do you want to calm down, consider the logical options, and act like an adult or make yourself remembered eternally as a complete idiot?  I've often wondered what would happen if I started a company that recorded these "choice" phone calls and then sent a copy of that call to the customer some time later so they can listen to it and realize how they sounded like a complete d-bag.