Words That Drive me to Near Insanity

     Everyone has their little idiosyncrasies, and I am definitely no stranger to them as well.  Just ask my wife, there are just some things that I am really weird about.  One of them, which is a bit of comedy to her are words that, for no real reason other then my own psychosis, make me feel like kicking a kitten into a pool of piranhas and sharks with frickin' lasers on their heads.   It seems like as time goes on, the English vocabulary gets more and more ridiculous, lazy, and downright stupid. 

     I'm certain that this list will continuously grow as I run across words and terminology that rake across my nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard, but here are some that already cut my fuse short, with a little explanation as to what goes on in my head when I hear these words:  (Hopefully, you can get a little humor out of my insanity)

"BOGO"

     You better be talking about the long lost brother of Bozo the Clown, because I wanna slap you with a stunned codfish if you are referring to a "Buy One, Get One" deal.  PayLess Shoes is the biggest perpetrator for this term, and every single time I see one of those commercials using that term, I want to rip my hair out, set it on fire, and throw it in the face of whomever created that ridiculous acronym, (and maybe still purchase an affordable pair of shoes).  It just strikes me as sheer laziness to not just say, "Buy one, Get one half off, for free, with a gift...." etc, as well as, for some inexplicable reason, I feel a homicidal tendency flare up at mere mention of this word.  Generally, if there is a radio or television commercial with that word used, I will usually scream an obscenity and change the channel.  Just ask Brittany.

"YOLO"

     As opposed to "BOGO," (and yes, I just cringed again typing that word), "YOLO" is newer to the English Language of Idiocy.  For those of you who are not familiar with this, I envy you, and it is an acronym for, "You Only Live Once."  Generally speaking, it is a moronic exclamation that some young idiot makes when they are about to do something stupid and/or irresponsible.  For example, someone posts a picture online of themselves at a frat party and types: "Gonna do as many keg stands as I can and then drive home! YOLO!"

     I take issue with this term for a couple of reasons.  For one, it's one of these crappy internet terms that has sprung up due to social media that propagates the use of made-up acronyms and other terms to replace actual words, sentences, and cognizant thought.  Secondly, yes, you may only live once, but that doesn't mean that you tempt the Fates by cramming every last dangerous and stupid act you can into the shortest amount of time possible, shouting some stupid, made up term from the open window of your daddy's BMW just before you wrap it around a telephone pole at 150 mph.  On second thought, go right ahead, go crazy, scream "YOLO," then end up a top candidate for the Darwin Award.  It'll do us a favor because maybe that term will die out with all those members of the shallow end of the gene pool as they do all they can to, "YOLO."

"App"

     Okay, this is definitely one that gets on my nerves because this is just an abbreviation of a real word: Application.  I am kind of OCD when it comes to English, which is most likely the root cause to my insanity when it comes to these ridiculous terms,  so shortening a normal, not even difficult word for the purpose of referencing software you can upload on a smart phone or other electronic device is kind of maddening to me.  This is especially true when it picks up and spreads like wildfire, thanks again to social media, the internet, etc and is established as if it is a real word, even being added to the freaking dictionary.  Sadly, I have to think really hard every single time I refer to my phone and something that I downloaded on it to make sure that I say "application," only because that term is used to liberally that it has forced it's way into my vocabulary bank, on a subconscious level.  Why is it so great to be lazy and not even complete a word?  Why is it that everyone jumps on something like this?  Moving on....

"Fashionista"

     Okay, so I'm not entirely sure of the origins of this word, but we are going to blame T.J. Maxx for this one just because they ram it down our throats with their commercials.   In doing a little quick research, -ista is a Latin suffix that is essentially the equivalent of adding -ist to a word in English, such as nationalist, industrialist, and such to denote someone who follows a principle.  Okay, that is all well and good, but why in the flying fart in space do they not just say "Fashionist?"  You know, someone who is a fashion guru or is very fashionable?  How hard is that?  Why do we all of the sudden throw in a Latin-based suffix on an English word?  Oh yeah, that ridiculous notion of pop culture and having "hip" terms to refer to for everything.  To be completely honest, this is what I think of every time I hear "fashionista," (besides the sudden urge to kick a puppy):

"Hey Quanisha, wha' you up to girl?"

"Oh, nuffun' Jaquansha, whatcha doin'?"

"Well, me, Shanaynay, Ladasha, Moquisha, and Fashionista is all goin' to da mall? Wanna go?"

     Yeah....  To me, it literally sounds like a terrible name for someone that I fear it has probably been used to name a poor soul, and probably a name I would have heard while I was in Albany or Schenectady, New York.  (Terrible names will be a post all their own in the near future)

"Swag"

     The following are the REAL definitions of this word:

    Noun:

1. .

an ornamental festoon of flowers, fruit, and greenery.

2. 

informal

     money or goods taken by a thief or burglar.

verb

1.

 arrange in or decorate with a swag or swags of fabric.

2.

Australia./NZ

   travel with one's personal belongings in a bundle.

     Hmm..... Question:  where in any of those definitions does it define the word as something having to do with some douchebag who goes clubbing, dresses flashy, or has some sort of urban appeal that makes everyone think he is cool or desirable?  (I'll give you a second to guess.....)  NONE OF THEM!  

     To be completely honest, I've never really known the real definition of the word, or that it was an actual word outside the acronym, "Stuff We All Get," like free stuff you get from a seminar or party or something.  When I looked for a definition of the word, I literally said to myself, "Holy crap! It's a real word!"

     Once again, the stupidity and ridiculousness that is pop culture, (I think it is more adequately defined as "poop culture"), has taken a legitimate word and bastardized it into some word that describes what a lot of people would describe as a dick of a person.  All those rappers talking about how "dey got swag," because they wear gold chains, drive expensive cars, shoot police, and "get da hoes."  Yeah, unless you have all those possessions packed up in a bundle while you're walking the streets like a hobo in Australia, or referring to your floral arrangement, or fabric decorations, you guys aren't using the word correctly.  "No points will be awarded, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"Hashtag"

      Yup, another one from the world of social media, which seems to be the cesspool of literary crap in our lexicon.  # <-----That's what it is, for anyone who may be unfamiliar with it.  Yup, the pound sign.  That key at the bottom right corner of your touch tone phone that you usually have to press to confirm you have entered information into an automated call router.  Or, it's the typeface symbol to signify the word, "number," like, #1, #2, #3, and so on.  Or, in cooking, it's a shorthand symbol for the measurement of weight, (add one # of ground beef...).  

      However, in the world of social media, it is probably one of the most overly incorrectly used symbols which has been named the "hashtag," which is defined as follows:

      1. (on social media sites such as Twitter) a word or phrase preceded by a hash or pound sign (#) and used to identify messages on a specific topic.

      More accurately put, it is a symbol that precedes someone sharing a useless, stupid rant, thought, or phrase that really just drops your IQ after having read it that we all could have done without in the first place.  For a lot of the social media posts that involve this symbol/word, it's like a warning sign that says, "Warning: Stupidity to follow..."

      Not only is the association of it something that I find totally ridiculous, but the word itself makes no dang sense to me.  It doesn't look like a hash, it doesn't look like a tag, and please just stop saying the word, especially if you are using the word to insert a moronic thought into a verbal conversation.  When it comes to speaking, you know what the hashtag is in reality?  Your common sense telling you to just keep that crap to yourself instead of saying it.  Sadly, there have been skits such as the one with Justin Timberlake totally making fun of the hashtag and how dumb and over-used it is, but it just seems to have fueled the dumb-dumb fire.  If  we were going to name it merely off of looks, I'd say it should be called the "Waffle-Cut Fry Symbol," which would totally make conversation so much better, like the Saturday Night Live skit:

    "So, what are you going to be for Halloween? Waffle-CutFrySymbolsexyghost?

      Just to illustrate my frustration with the hashtag.....

   #wheneveryouhappentosayorusethiswordiwannaburyyouuptoyourchininbatteryacidandrunabeltsanderon

yourheadandthenconstantlydunkyourheadintheaciduntilyouarenothingmorethanasteamingpileofgoothatis

unrecognizabletoevenyourmotherandthatisjustasmalltasteofmycompletedisdainforthatstupididioticcompletely

uselessandneedlesswordscrewyousocialmediaandalltheinbredlovechildrenyoucreated!

  

      So, until pop culture comes out with another little nugget of stupid that drives me to insanity that I can add to this list, consider yourself warned if you are around me and happen to use one of these words and notice that I look like a war veteran trying to suppress a horrible flashback that causes me to kill everything in sight.

Jack Speaks....

     Time really flies, not just when you are having fun, but just in general.  It seems like time has been moving perpetually faster with each day and I find myself constantly amazed at how quickly time has passed since, what I thought was, a recent milestone. 
     For instance, I could have sworn that Jack had just turned two and he was a little thinner, a lot more mobile, and fairly talkative, but in that disjointed, two-year-old sort of way.  Then, I realize that this boy turns THREE on Wednesday, and he has a 6-month old little brother.  Our little Bubba who was a sumo baby, then a mover, and a jibbering little toddler is now a three year old who carries on full conversations, recites stories and rhymes to tell him, and quotes you on just about everything you shouldn't have said.  On top of that, he is sharp as a tack, which has resulted in many hilarious moments of conversation in the past year.  This post is to highlight some of the best.  (I'm sure it will continue to get longer as time goes on.)

    One night, while I was using the bathroom, he came in the bathroom, as he usually does.  I typically don't lock the door, and Jack finds it a good time to come in and be conversational.  This time he came in, paused for a moment, and then said, "Ew! Stinky! I gotta get out of here!" and immediately turned and ran.  This was one of the first times I had heard a full sentence come out of him and thankfully I was already using the toilet, because I would have peed my pants laughing at that moment.

     Christmas was a very fun time for us this past year because it was so fun to see how Jack reacted to the whole subject of Santa Claus.  We had spent time telling him how we set up our Christmas tree and Santa comes to our house to leave presents, provided that he is a good boy.  Well, one of the family traditions we have it to bring him to see Santa at one of the malls.  This season, we were talking up the time when we were going to go see Santa when he stopped us and very seriously pointed to our Christmas tree and said, as if to correct his silly parents, "No, Santa come to my house!"

     On the note of Santa Clause, when the time came to actually go see Santa, we were very excited to see how Jack would react.  He wasn't old enough before to really understand the concept on his own, and he was excited to see Santa as well, talking about it the whole time we drove to the mall.  When we finally got there, Brittany went ahead with Ben to get a place in line (which there wasn't one). Jack was standing next to me and was able to see into the little area where Santa sits and took one look at the Santa and said, "Ummmm, Jack see Santa later," and turned around to walk away.

     When Jack was first talking, I had never really taken into consideration how a child is like a word sponge, and whether you are paying attention or not, they are.  Carlotta, one of our cats, has gained a whole lot of weight since we adopted her, and she is hilariously disproportionate with a fat belly, tiny head and tail and skinny little legs.  I had gotten in the habit of just calling her "Fat-Fat," and would greet her by that name every time she came into the room or I came into a room where she was.  One day, I was playing with Jack and Carlotta walked into the room, and immediately Jack looked up, saw her and happily greeted her,  "Oh, hi Fat-Fat!"

The Jack-Jack hilarity continues as he gets older and gets smarter.  He literally is like a sponge when it comes to what he hears, which makes it really tricky when it comes to expressing your feelings.  I tend to use a lot of analogies or other ways to explain things, such as when I'm tired.  Whether I am tired, or someone else looks tired, I tend to use the terminology that they are, "running out of fuel."  One day, Jack seemed to be running a little low on energy himself and he turned to Brittany and me and said, "Me has no power, me's running out of gas."  

On the note of Jack getting smarter, sometimes he surprises us with knowledge that we didn't even know that he had.  As he has been getting more and more adept to using the bathroom on his own, he has also attempted to develop ways to conceal the need to pee.  One day, while he was helping me at the storage unit, he was starting to dance, a classic and very evident sign that he has to use the bathroom.  I called him out on the fact and this was the exchange that followed:

Me: "Jack, do you need to go to the bathroom?"
Jack: "No, I don't need to." (While still dancing)
Me: "Well, then why are you dancing?"
Jack: "No, that's just my rain dance."

Yep, to this day, neither I, nor  Brittany have any clue where it is that he learned the term "rain dance," let alone figured out how to use it.

Back on the subject of Jack being a sponge, Brittany will sometimes jokingly tell me things such as my apparent lack of the ability to listen sometimes.  (Shiny objects are just so distractin- Holy cow, a nickel!)

While we were taking the boys through a drive-thru for some food while we were out one evening and while ordering their food, I opted not to include pickles on Jack's cheeseburger because I was uncertain as to whether he liked them or not, and, as he has inherited an extremely enhanced version of my OCD, one small thing out of place can cause chaos.  (He has woken up many a night in a panic because his fitted sheet on his bed had a wrinkle in it)  As Jack went through his food, he confirmed the contents of his cheeseburger and was saddened to find that there were no pickles.  I received the following chastisement from our 3-year old:

"Dad, you leaved out my pickles!"  And upon my my attempts to obtain his forgiveness, he says, "It's okay Dad, one day, you'll listen..."  (Ouch)

Recently, we moved into our new home here and when we had set up the boys' bedroom, Jack was away with his grandparents' house.  While we were driving home, I was telling him how we were going to our new home and how Brittany and I had set up his and Ben's room.  Jack was already ecstatic about moving to a new home, so when he had heard that his new room was all ready for him, he exclaimed, "I'm so excited, I'm gonna freak out!"

One day, while in the front room, Jack became aware that Ben needed a diaper change and Jack approached me with this plea, "Dad, I has a problem; Ben is all poopy, will you please go get a diaper?"  Honestly, who could say "no" to that?

Brittany and I were in the car with the boys the other day and were discussing a song that Brittany had come across which was by the rapper Eminem.  While we were talking about the motivational message of the lyrics when Jack, a big supporter of candy, excitedly asked, "You have an M&M song?!"